I was advised to write to the blog to vent. Do not write on Facebook, a social network as a place and then funny. On reflection in the cold, the blog does not seem so much more private ... but oh well, I need to write and write.
Yesterday I went from 14.30 to 20 in about a morgue. A corridor to commute from a cold and soaked in a nauseating smell in the room which was placed the body of my grandfather. I do not want to talk about why, how, the when. I had a relationship with him made me feel empty or destroyed. It 's a story that went on for almost a month since he had a car accident. And to make the record dingy and the surface was enough Giornale di Sicilia (TGS and annex).
I want to talk about feelings. I want to talk about what has occurred to me in those five hours and a half. In 2002 I had already lost a grandmother, but in different conditions and in mature age too little to understand what had happened.
Before I go home my mother turned to me and said: "If you do not feel you can stay out. You do not have to enter it by force." I smiled to myself, thinking about what I will do in the future, how many corpses I see along my path, and I replied that there was no problem, if anything that I would exit the room.
We arrived at 14.30 at the Civic and found there a disproportionate number of people in Morocco. The body of a boy who committed suicide by setting themselves on fire station had just been brought to the morgue. The air was full of a tragic lament, anguish. They prayed. An entire community gathered there.
I entered, I crossed the threshold of the room and saw him. It was my grandfather, simply. My grandfather, with a veil on the body, with a rosary and a santina his hands, his head and his hand still bandaged. My grandfather on a marble slab and a bouquet of flowers at his feet. I was leaning against the wall and I have kept.
The body was stiff now, you could see. The hands had already changed color to yellow.
I noticed that I had not sense of vomiting. As I had dizziness, headache, nausea.
My brain was focused on one detail: the veil. My eyes tried to focus on the nose and chest. I waited for a movement, imperceptible. Expected. Did not come. I tried again the merger. Then I gave up.
Leaving the room I realized what had been the only thing that troubled me: my mind could not conceive of death. It failed to conceive the absence of breathing motion. You know when you think about many things at once? And among you say "let ', now I try to think only one thing: a bird." And think of the bird, but then you realize you're even thinking about the fact that Just think of a bird. And this vicious cycle (and lazy) does not end until you face the facts. Your brain works on mechanisms too complex to expect to control it. And 'he who controls you and not you who controls it.
A similar feeling I had trying to conceive death. There are successful. I had to give up. I watched my grandfather and even though I knew that he could stand there for eternity, my brain was alert, waiting for the breath.
That's all I want to talk about it. Also because there was nothing more. After a couple of hours I started having a headache shocking and I tried to put in stand-by.
While I was there I received a visit from an important person. I did entertain a half hour and calmed my withdrawal symptoms (caused by the lack of it). I realized how little I cared that my mother saw me with this person, indeed. After a period of subterfuge, I wanted to instill in her a question. I do not think I succeeded, probably because it feels too big for me to have a relationship with him. After the question "How old is he?" and my answer "twenty-five, there was just no interest. The Board of
write on the blog I received from him. I did not want to, because I knew I would end up talking about it. Because I knew I could not end this post without saying that I miss her already, that I can not wait to see him Tuesday that the examination and reinitiate the lessons to see it every day. And I have a fear of appearing too damn love and stews.
Giorgia
ps. has been so long since I gave news about me and I feel duty-bound to know that I held my first university exam: APPLIED BIOLOGY AND GENETICS - TWENTY-SIX.
